De Quiros' Column

There's The Rub : President, pauper

Conrado de Quiros dequiros@info.com.ph
Inquirer News Service

I REMEMBER writing a column ages ago about the differences between rich and poor. I remember vaguely only parts of it, which went something like this:

If you're rich, you're eccentric; if you're poor, you're loony. If you're rich, you're a man of the world; if you're poor, you're a degenerate. If you're rich, you're an imbiber of spirits; if you're poor, you're a drunk. If you're rich, you're indulgent; if you're poor, you're a slob. If you're rich, you're shrewd; if you're poor, you're a crook. If you're rich, you profit; if you're poor, you steal. If you're rich, you love women; if you're poor, you're a lecher. If you're rich, you are incontinent; if you're poor, you're full of vices. If you're rich, you're full of pipe dreams; if you're poor, you're full of s--t. If you're rich, you stray from the narrow path; if you're poor, you commit a crime. If you're rich, you're pardoned; if you're poor, you're hanged.

There's a variation on that to be found in the spectacle of the last few years of this country. In lieu of rich and poor though, president and pauper more properly fit the bill.

But let's begin with vice president first and reverse the order of presentation:

If you're a pauper, you're craven; if you're a vice president, you're cautious. If you're a pauper, you hide under the bed; if you're a vice president, you adopt a wait-and-see attitude. If you're a pauper and you join a fight when it's safe, you're an opportunist. If you're a vice president and you join a fight when it's safe, you have perfect timing. If you're a pauper, you admit to being a coward. If you're a vice president, you point to a dead pope as your strength. If you're a pauper and you run away from a fight, you become a leper. If you're a vice president and you run away from a fight, you become president.

If you're a pauper and you promise on the grave of your mother not to beat up your wife again, you're a reformed ass. If you're a president and you promise on the grave of Jose Rizal not to beat up your country again, you're a reformed hero. If you're a pauper and you decide to beat up your wife anyway after seven months, you're an incorrigible thug. If you're a president and you decide to beat up your country anyway after seven months, you're a corrigible savior. If you're a pauper and you turn your back on your word, you're a goddamn liar. If you're a president and you turn your back on your word, you're enlightened by God. If you're a pauper and you beat up your wife again, her brothers beat you up in turn, or hack you to pieces. If you're a president and you beat up your country again, your supporters drumbeat your virtues and your PR hacks do a hack job on the public. If you're a pauper, you lie, you die. If you're a president, you lie, you live.

If you're a pauper, your wife hears you saying, "Hello, Grace," you will be angry and act innocent. If you're a president, your country hears you saying, "Hello, Garci," you will be angry and act innocent. If you're a pauper and your wife hears you plotting to cheat with Grace, you will say she is an eavesdropper and order her to mind the kitchen. If you're a president and your people hear you plotting to cheat with Garci, you will say they are eavesdroppers and order them to mind their business. If you're a pauper and your wife finds you in bed with Grace, you will demand to know what's wrong with it since you were just out to protect her breasts. If you're a president and your country finds you in cahoots with Garci, you will demand to know what's wrong with it since you were just out to protect your votes.

If you're a pauper and your wife catches you two-timing her, you will not sleep well at night for fear of what might happen to your crowning glory. If you're a president and your country catches you two-timing it, you will not sleep well at night for fear of what might happen to your crown.

If you're a pauper and you're caught cheating your wife, you send yourself into mournful exile. If you're a president and you're caught cheating your country, you send your husband into cheerful exile. If you're a pauper and your wife and her (male) kin order you to leave the house at once, you sigh, "I will not resist." If you're a president and your enemies and former friends order you to leave the palace at once, you swear, "I will not resign." If you're a pauper and your family doesn't like you, you "hakot" [haul] your belongings. If you're a president and your country doesn't like you, you "hakot" a crowd. If you're a pauper and have nobody left to turn to, you tell your troubles to the cigar-chomping occupant of a tree named Kapre. If you're a president and have nobody left to turn to, you tell your troubles to the cigar-chomping occupant of a doghouse named Tabako.

If you're a pauper and you keep coveting things, you are called greedy. If you're a president and you keep coveting things, you are called an economist. If you're a pauper and you keep stealing things, you are called a thief. If you're a president and you keep stealing things, you are called hardworking. If you're a pauper and you usurp somebody else's job, you are called a scab. If you're a president and you usurp somebody else's office, you are called a snob. If you're a pauper and you've committed a crime, you are turned over to the uniformed face-wreckers. If you're a president and you've committed a crime, you are made over by the coat-and-tied image-makers.

If you're a pauper and you show no pride, you are called "kapalmuks" [thick-faced]. If you're a president and show no shame, you are called resolute. If you're a pauper and cling like Epoxy to what isn't yours, you are called "kapit-tuko.". If you're a president and cling like Mighty Bond to what isn't yours, you are called ... (Fill in the blank).